Does the Atkins Diet Really Work?

By now, millions have tried this diet; some swear by it, while others proclaim it dangerous, unsatisfying, or just plain baloney. I am among the latter. I followed the Atkins Diet for about 4 months in the summer and fall of 2001, at the insistence of friends who’d been on it for at least a year. That they were both a couple of tub o’ lards didn’t sink in. (Call me naive.) In the first 2 weeks of the diet, you are heavily restricted as to what you can eat (not “how much”, just “what” – with Atkins, portion control is tossed out the window) so that your body goes into a state called “ketosis”, in which you allegedly rid your body of excess carbohydrates and burn off the sugars in your system. At about this time, all the tomato plants we’d planted began to bloom, making my partner very happy to munch away on them, while I was stuck being envious and miserable because tomatoes are verboten on this diet plan. Pressing on, I faithfully adhered to the plan and ate all the rich, fatty meats and cheeses my now-greasy hands could wrap around. Unlimited amounts of meat and cheese is a big selling point of Atkins, and many get wide-eyed and express the kind of sheer glee one would expect to find in a small child being given a new puppy. And yes, I was one of them. Initially. Unfortunately, by the end of that first month – and I thought this could NEVER happen! – I was pretty sick of meat and cheese. I craved vegetables – all kinds of wonderful vegetables! – like never before, and I’ve ALWAYS loved veggies. One aspect of the diet that they CERTAINLY do not tell you about in the book, and which only your CLOSEST friends will ever tell you about, is the room-clearing, paint-peeling effect your gas will create, thanks to the gobs of cheese, gallons of heavy cream (regular milk not being allowed), sides of beef and slabs of bacon you’ve consumed. And this isn’t just the discreet kind of gas where you just excuse yourself for a moment, take care of business outside, and pop right back in like nothing happened. Oh no! I’m talking “sonic boom” kind of gas, where there is NO MISTAKING who did it! None of that “silent but deadly” here! You will also find yourself getting REAL acquainted with bathrooms. Your own, your friends’, your family’s, anywhere, anytime, ALL THE TIME. (Any surprise they don’t write about this in the book???) And, because most meat products (especially bacon) and cheeses have a healthy dose of sodium, you’ll also be guzzling water like CRAZY. As a naturally big guy, I drink A LOT OF WATER. Always have. But with Atkins I felt like I could never get enough! I would drink – in one sitting – a gallon of water…and then start a second! But what finally made me stop the diet was that it is ultimately unsatisfying. If you LOVE FOOD – and I mean REALLY LOVE FOOD – you’ll be unhappy. If you eat a lot of rice (like I do), forget Atkins; rice – like potatoes and starches – is verboten. Oh, they may say “down the road” you can eat teeny, tiny portions of it but those portions are so small as to be an insult, certainly not worth even preparing it. And vegetables: if you enjoy veggies, this is not the diet for you. Cauliflower, broccoli, and asparagus are about it, really, and while I love them, that’s not much to go on. And then there are desserts. Like dessert? Hmmm? Oh well! Too bad for you! All you’re going to get, really, is Jell-O. I don’t much care for gelatin so about all I could make was sugar-free pudding mix with heavy cream (again, milk isn’t allowed…ever), which creates a mousse so thick you could spackle with it. Rich??? Oh man! Literally, one or two spoonfuls of the stuff was more than enough. Now, there are probably other desserts you can make, but Atkins forgets that people – especially FAT PEOPLE – don’t just love meats and cheeses, after all; we love DESSERT, too. Did I lose weight, though? Yup. Lost 40 pounds in 4 months. LOOKED great but my insides felt greased-up and I was miserable knowing I couldn’t eat the healthy foods I was craving like never before. Would I recommend Atkins? Well…no. Yeah, it works, but for the long-term? I don’t think so. And Atkins can be EXPENSIVE, something else you won’t find in the book and which friends and colleagues might forget to add. Unless you’ve been living under a bridge or on Mars, you KNOW the price of meat, cheese, and cream already are. Now imagine buying a cart FILLED with all those goodies. Meat, cheese, and cream for breakfast. Meat, cheese, and cream for lunch. Meat, cheese, and – you’ll be excused for burping for the umpteenth time today – cream for dinner. And for snacks? Oh yeah, you guessed it: meat, cheese, and cream! HOORAY! I always encourage those who tell me they’re going to try it to “be prepared”, and when they ask “why”, I tell them everything. EVERYTHING! No punches pulled. I would normally received one of those shocked, sorry-to-be-YOU looks, as if it could NEVER happen to THEM, and I say to them what I say to you now: “You’ve been warned.”